Twice the Calls. Zero Results.

My spam callers have developed a new strategy.

They used to call once. Now they call twice in a row, from various numbers. Apparently, the first unanswered call is just the opening act.

I wondered whether they were trying to confirm that my number was real. But whatever they’re testing, my contribution to the experiment is remarkably consistent:

I answer exactly zero times. Every time.

So naturally, calling twice is twice as effective.

When I mentioned this, my assistant pointed out that a 100% increase in calls had produced a robust 0% increase in success. Their efficiency consultant must be delighted.

But that’s amateur thinking. A proper consultant would look at those same numbers and say:

“That’s an average of 50%. Better than before.”

Fifty percent of what? We don’t have time for that question. The presentation is already underway.

Previously, none of their calls were follow-up calls. Now half of them are. That’s tremendous growth in follow-up engagement, provided you define engagement as one party doing something while the other party refuses to participate.

And there’s more.

AND… AND… And…

All of the calls were made within 24 hours!

One hundred percent same-day follow-up compliance.

The customer remains unresponsive, but the team has exceeded every measurable objective.

I can practically see the meeting.

“Did he answer?”

“No.”

“Did we call again?”

“Yes.”

“Within 24 hours?”

“Immediately.”

“Outstanding. Put that in green.”

Somewhere, an imaginary dashboard is glowing with achievement. Call volume is up. Follow-up activity is up. Response time is excellent. Someone has drawn an arrow pointing toward the upper right corner, and nobody is about to ruin it by asking whether anything actually happened.

That’s the beauty of measuring activity. You can keep improving it forever without troubling the outcome.

If two unanswered calls are better than one, imagine what four could accomplish. Eight would probably qualify for an award. At sixteen, they’d need a case study about their commitment to customer outreach.

Meanwhile, my side of the operation requires no expansion, no training, and no additional equipment. I continue answering zero times, with perfect consistency.

Their workload has doubled. Mine hasn’t changed.

I don’t know why the calls started arriving in pairs. But if their imaginary consultant gets to declare victory, I think I do too.

They achieved 100% same-day follow-up compliance.

I achieved 100% same-day peace and quiet—as soon as the phone stopped ringing.

Everybody hit their targets.

Nobody spoke.